Sheen.

Dear Agony Person,

Sheen,
is my problem. In other words,
I appear to be too shiny. In fact, to the naked eye,
i appear quite varnished. My mother likes it though,
at least she says so, and daily suggests,
from behind her various polaroids,
that I should join the priesthood. She's told me that
all good men are shiny and sometimes even shimmering.
She showed me a book with the picture of a saint in it.
He had no shoes on, a long grey beard, and appeared
to be hovering above a sofa. And indeed,
he did appear to be terribly shiny. Now,
she's trying to get me onto a talk show or into the papers.
She might even be able, she say's, to get me an agent.
She also tells me that my uncle George suffered
from the same problem, but that
his shininess slowly diminished after rumours
of his leap frog activities were published in the tabloids.
Anyway, have you any information relating to this problem,
and if so, could you please forward it to me.

Yours, in all my entirity, Jacob G. Marley.
Specialist in Stains and Accidental Spillage
at the Institute of.